What do I feel?
by Firesblood
Summary: Left alone to deal with her grief, Hermione reflects upon her lost love. One shot, possible sequel if it is reviewed.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I do not own Harry Potter, or the characters within.

**A small one shot. I hope that you all enjoy, and don't forget to review. I may possibly write a sequal! -evil grin- It can be done, believe me.**

If love isn't real, what do I feel?

My heart is a gaping hole it seems, that I cannot mend or fix. Thread and needle cannot sew the pieces together, yet I feel such elation in every piece.

Forever has it been since I have allowed myself such thoughts of emotion. After I lost my first love, I have been a walking shell in society, yet another blank stare in the crowd. I have only my knowledge. My books that keep me reading all night long.

I'm looking at myself in the mirror now. So thin. My once lively brown hair that would crackle at the touch of a hand falls past my shoulders in a cascade of limp curls, no longer the honeyed gloss that showed golden in the rays of the sun. My once warm eyes are dull and lifeless, shadowed by pain and loss. Premature lines live at the corners of my mouth, a frown touching my once soft and welcoming lips. My cheeks are hollow, creating angles in my face that were never there before.

I lift my shirt over my head and drop it to the ground. His shirt. Black silk, lined with a undertone of deep green threads. My hands touch my collarbone, and for a moment, I imagine that they are his. His hands used to move so gracefully. So beautiful.

My breasts are small, but they had been his favorite to touch. His fingers would barely brush my skin, and a rush of heat would explode within me, causing my body to blush. He would smirk at my reaction.

"Such a beautiful color on you, Hermione."

I unbutton my jeans now, letting them join the shirt that lost his wonderful smell too long ago. They fall easily, no longer fitting my hips like they had before. I thin waist, hip bones jutting out, and legs that seem too small to hold my weight. He had loved my hips. They were perfect, he had said.

As I stare at my naked form in the mirror, a silent tear slips from the corner of my eye. His heart would break at this sight. He would hold me down and force feed me until I could hold no more. He would yell at me for not taking care of myself. He would run his hands over my wasted body and weep as I have for years in his absence. He would rock me against him, and tell me that I was being insufferable.

His insufferable know-it-all. That is what I am. What I was once upon a time.

I close my eyes against my reflected image, but I cannot make it go away. I feel him stand behind me and grasp my shoulders gently. But he is not there. He hasn't been there for years. Too many years.

"Hermione…"

I hear him whisper. But his voice can never be heard again.

My shaking hands cover my ears, but it is still there, echoing in my tortured mind.

Slowly, I open my eyes. I look at myself for a long time, then turn away, the numbing cold of the dungeons no longer seeping into my very bones.

I walk to my bed…our bed, and stroke the cloth that we both slept on, made love on. I climb into the warmth of the blankets and sit against the mahogany backboard, his wand in my hand. I had discarded mine long ago. Stroking it lovingly, I turn it upon myself.

"If love isn't real, what do I feel? I'm sorry, Severus…so sorry…"

I will be with you shortly, and finally…we shall be whole once more…


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or the character therein. Nor do I own the lyrics to the song below.**_

**Part 2**

_Now, I don't want to lose you  
but I don't want to use you  
just to have somebody by my side.  
And I don't want to hate you,  
I don't want to take you  
but I don't want to be the one to cry. _

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.  
But like a fool I keep losing my place  
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,  
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.  
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.  
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Now, I could never change you  
I don't want to blame you.  
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.  
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.  
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder  
it makes me feel like rain.  
And like a fool who will never see the truth,  
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

_But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,  
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.  
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.  
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough._

_  
And there's no way home  
when it's late at night and you're all alone.  
Are there things that you wanted to say?  
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,  
there beside you, where I used to lay? _

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,  
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.  
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.  
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.

Severus watched Hermione from behind as she fixed her hair. She was thin from stress and forgetting to eat. Severus had tried to tell her to eat more, but she never listened to him.

She adjusted her clothing now, the black silk shirt of his hanging off of her. She paused for a moment, looking straight at him and turned around. Severus smiled warmly at her. She merely looked away and walked passed him. She had been so distant and sad lately. How he wished he could take that away from her. It was unlike her to be so distraught.

"Hermione, please speak to me. You never keep secrets from me…" He pleaded, kneeling down in front of her. She let her hands fall down in front of her, her eyes tearing up.

"Leave me alone. Just leave me alone." She said shaking her head. She closed her eyes, sinking to the floor, her wedding ring glinting in the dim firelight.

Severus bit his lip, keeping his hands off of her.

"Please…" He whispered.

She shook her head again and got up, running from the room leaving Severus alone. He stood up, at a loss for what he should do. He entertained the thought of running after her, but if she was upset with him, he didn't want to push her. He knew better than to push her. He wandered into the room and sat on the bed.

Why was she so upset with him? He would find out when she came back.

oO0Oo

The door closed and Severus looked up to see Hermione walk into the room slowly and look around. Her eyes rested where he was sitting but moved away quickly. She instead went to stand in front of the full length mirror in their bedroom. She stared at herself for a while with such grief that it broke his heart.

She took her hair out of the bun and let it fall at her shoulders. She looked so unhealthy. He stood and walked to her, watching her silently. She watched her eyes trail down her own body. After a moment, she took his shirt off and let it fall to the floor. She was too thin. Severus wanted to shake her so badly. Do anything to get it into her head that she needed to take care of herself. But she wouldn't even look at him. He turned away and went to the bed again, looking at the in-table next to it. A small bit of folded parchment sat there. He reached to open it but his hand passed through it. Severus took a step back, blinking.

What the hell?

He tried again but with the same result. This couldn't be.

He looked at Hermione again. She was naked now, her hands running over the jutting curves of her hips. Tears were in her eyes again, lip trembling.

"What's going on here?" He whispered angrily, confusion written all over his face. He crossed to her again. She said nothing.

"Hermione…?" He whispered again.

She closed her eyes, covering her ears. Tears slipped down her cheeks in a flood, her shoulders shaking.

When she opened her eyes, she looked straight at the mirror, not seeing him. Not hearing him. Not know he was there.

He realized at that moment that he was dead. She was grieving for him. She couldn't hear him. She wasn't ignoring him.

She turned from the mirror and lay down on the bed, her hand reaching for his wand. He looked in his pocket for it, still skeptical.

"If love isn't real, what do I feel? I'm sorry, Severus…so sorry…"

Severus looked at her again. She had turned it upon herself.

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

Severus ran forward.

"Avada Kedavra…" A green flash of light burst in the room and Severus covered his eyes. When he looked again, she was gone. He touched her face, his hands trembling. She didn't stir.

Please no.

No breath.

Please no.

"Severus?" He spun around and behind his angel. She smiled tearfully at him.

She no longer looked unhealthy. She looked like she did the day he had left to the deatheaters meeting.

The two embraced. On the table, the picture of their wedding day began to move again. Never again would they be parted.


End file.
